My 5th Sober Christmas

April 30 2012 is my sobriety birthday, so this will be my 5th holiday season that *through the grace of my serenity* will survive without having a drink.

Thanksgiving was a feat, it wasn't that my family members were offering alcohol, or asking me about my reasons to be sober (common conversations that become repetetive and toilsome) it was just that I could see how "fluid" everyone was becoming as the evening progressed.

I used to be that fluid, beaming, jovial, intoxicated girl at the family gatherings. Escapism: if I'm not coherent for an interaction, it's awkwardness will be completely nulled.

No, I didn't have to explain my life or my modeling or past schooling to anyone there, as my extended family is now aware of what I do and who I am. I just feel this buildup of anxiety when I am in a rare situation ... and everyone else is crankin crass jokes and tootin' and pokin each other, smiles ear-to-ear... I don't get the high.

I almost forget what the nostalgic oblivion feels like, but at holiday gatherings I am reminded of my previous ideal of heaven... watching the most imortant people in my life... while they're all dancing on those edges I used to love pushing.

Thanks for reading my post, I have my Christmas Eve gathering tonight and another Christmas Shindig with another branch of family tomorrow night... so I will blog about my feelings again on this topic after the holidays... See you on the other side!!

Just to clarify, I am not bothered by other people drinking, I know it's *ME* who has the associative issue, it was *ME* who could not maintain my sanity and drank myself into blackout, *I* was the irresponsible one, and other people being NORMAL by drinking wine at a holiday party does not offend me in any way. I am just writing about my feelings so that anyone out there who feels the same can know you're not alone...

Peace and Love all and MERRY FRICKIN CHRISTMAS!!!